olivia
that first day was certainly interesting
after finding the right bus
and getting lost on my way home,
i fumble with the lock
and collapse onto my couch
i don’t get a minute of rest
before my brother
crashes into the room
jumping on top of me
my mother right behind him
“olive!”
he shouts in excitement
“guess what we did today”
i can’t help but smile
and ask him what
my brother is easy to love
with his wide grin
still lacking his front teeth
big amber eyes
milk chocolate hair
and energy
that only an eight-year-old
can possess
the scent of spices
hits me
when i walk
into the kitchen
my father
sprinkling oregano
red pepper flakes
into a pan
full of chopped
onion and garlic
he pours in tomato
from a can
and rips up basil
placing it on top
he swirls the sauce
in the pan
reminding me
of my thoughts
about the boy
all swirling in my head
he uses a wooden spoon
to stir it all together
to create something magical
that fits together
like puzzle pieces
every ingredient of it
combines together
to create something
that everyone will love
in the back of my mind
i wonder if the boy has ever had
something as magical as that
something that works
whether it’s platonic
romantic or familial
clearly he’s had a lack of love
even if it takes him forever to admit
he knows he needs it
he’s had so much
taken away from him
in his short life
any drop of happiness
snatched away from him
any bit of serenity
hidden by his numb exterior
he takes out his pain
on himself
he’s given up
trying to give it
to anyone else
he needs so much help
help that i want to give him
help that i know he won’t accept
as long as a mask
is still covering his past
and his life
as long as he still
refuses to open up
you would have to rip it off
prying until you fall backward
scratch around the sides
to remove the glue
plastered across his face
that keeps his mask up
in order to
see just a glimpse
of vulnerability
opposed to his numb exterior
an explanation
of his trauma
i want to offer him
companionship
reach out in a way
he has never
experienced before
or maybe he has
maybe he had
reassurance
comfort
solace
love
but lost it.
i don’t know why
i’m so drawn to this boy
when i’ve known him
for less than a day
maybe it’s my need
to solve every problem
before they start
maybe it’s the way
his face lit up with surprise
and just a flicker of hope
when i defended him
maybe the whisper of a smile
that has such potential
to be beautiful
on his forever sullen lips
the way the melancholy rain
surrounding him
evaporated for just a moment
maybe i want to see
if he has dimples
when he laughs
i want to hear his voice
when it’s not full of darkness
but in the end
the reason doesn’t matter
because the truth is
if i don’t help him
no one else will.