Trigger Warning: physical abuse\/violence, alcoholism.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
home is a strange concept<\/p>\n\n\n\n
other people go home<\/p>\n\n\n\n
and it’s a blessing<\/p>\n\n\n\n
a break from school<\/p>\n\n\n\n
from work<\/p>\n\n\n\n
a chance to recover<\/p>\n\n\n\n
to unwind<\/p>\n\n\n\n
they dwell <\/p>\n\n\n\n
in the temporary peace<\/p>\n\n\n\n
before worrying <\/p>\n\n\n\n
about work<\/p>\n\n\n\n
or chores<\/p>\n\n\n\n
they run <\/p>\n\n\n\n
into the waiting arms<\/p>\n\n\n\n
of their families<\/p>\n\n\n\n
their friends<\/p>\n\n\n\n
their partner<\/p>\n\n\n\n
they breathe in<\/p>\n\n\n\n
the scent of the spices <\/p>\n\n\n\n
in someone\u2019s cooking<\/p>\n\n\n\n
the smoke of a crackling fire<\/p>\n\n\n\n
ready to keep them warm<\/p>\n\n\n\n
the lush gardens<\/p>\n\n\n\n
sprinkled with fresh rain<\/p>\n\n\n\n
aromatic flowers in their lawn<\/p>\n\n\n\n
they find solace <\/p>\n\n\n\n
reassurance <\/p>\n\n\n\n
tranquility <\/p>\n\n\n\n
comfort <\/p>\n\n\n\n
in their homes<\/p>\n\n\n\n
siblings and parents<\/p>\n\n\n\n
encouraging them<\/p>\n\n\n\n
helping them <\/p>\n\n\n\n
protecting them<\/p>\n\n\n\n
consolation <\/p>\n\n\n\n
that there will always <\/p>\n\n\n\n
be open arms<\/p>\n\n\n\n
ready to catch them <\/p>\n\n\n\n
when they fall<\/p>\n\n\n\n
to me, that perfect home<\/p>\n\n\n\n
is unfamiliar<\/p>\n\n\n\n
home is not <\/p>\n\n\n\n
welcoming arms<\/p>\n\n\n\n
home is arms <\/p>\n\n\n\n
shoving me forward<\/p>\n\n\n\n
forcing me to trip<\/p>\n\n\n\n
criticism in my ears<\/p>\n\n\n\n
spiraling through my brain<\/p>\n\n\n\n
i wish i had a place <\/p>\n\n\n\n
that belonged to me<\/p>\n\n\n\n
that no one else could enter<\/p>\n\n\n\n
i would be alone<\/p>\n\n\n\n
but never lonely<\/p>\n\n\n\n
a treehouse perhaps<\/p>\n\n\n\n
scented with cinnamon <\/p>\n\n\n\n
where i could nestle myself<\/p>\n\n\n\n
in soft blankets<\/p>\n\n\n\n
worn books <\/p>\n\n\n\n
would lay around me<\/p>\n\n\n\n
my slender fingers<\/p>\n\n\n\n
would wrap around <\/p>\n\n\n\n
a steaming cup <\/p>\n\n\n\n
fairy lights would line<\/p>\n\n\n\n
the wooden planks<\/p>\n\n\n\n
but no <\/p>\n\n\n\n
that is just a dream<\/p>\n\n\n\n
dreams will stay dreams<\/p>\n\n\n\n
a fantasy in your head<\/p>\n\n\n\n
your happy place <\/p>\n\n\n\n
a place you label home<\/p>\n\n\n\n
that you can visit<\/p>\n\n\n\n
but never touch<\/p>\n\n\n\n
when i go home<\/p>\n\n\n\n
it’s an eternal curse<\/p>\n\n\n\n
imposed upon me<\/p>\n\n\n\n
i shouldn’t call it home<\/p>\n\n\n\n
it’s just a raggedy old house<\/p>\n\n\n\n
with small rooms<\/p>\n\n\n\n
faded paint<\/p>\n\n\n\n
shutters that tremble<\/p>\n\n\n\n
in the wind<\/p>\n\n\n\n
flickering lights<\/p>\n\n\n\n
that can\u2019t decide<\/p>\n\n\n\n
if they want to be <\/p>\n\n\n\n
on or off<\/p>\n\n\n\n
dim or bright<\/p>\n\n\n\n
i\u2019ve known it <\/p>\n\n\n\n
since the age of eleven<\/p>\n\n\n\n
six years ago<\/p>\n\n\n\n
i\u2019ve memorized <\/p>\n\n\n\n
every object <\/p>\n\n\n\n
every room <\/p>\n\n\n\n
every creaky step<\/p>\n\n\n\n
every uncertain breath <\/p>\n\n\n\n
every blood stain<\/p>\n\n\n\n
i\u2019ve traced my fingers <\/p>\n\n\n\n
along every dusty surface<\/p>\n\n\n\n
unwashed sheets<\/p>\n\n\n\n
and limp pillows<\/p>\n\n\n\n
strewn across <\/p>\n\n\n\n
the stained couch <\/p>\n\n\n\n
to create my bed<\/p>\n\n\n\n
broken bathroom tiles<\/p>\n\n\n\n
click against each other<\/p>\n\n\n\n
on my way to the sink <\/p>\n\n\n\n
with rusty handles<\/p>\n\n\n\n
that\u2019s never warm <\/p>\n\n\n\n
but i still use daily<\/p>\n\n\n\n
hoping that the water<\/p>\n\n\n\n
will cleanse me<\/p>\n\n\n\n
of this place<\/p>\n\n\n\n
wash away the memories<\/p>\n\n\n\n
rid me of the <\/p>\n\n\n\n
aroma of guilt<\/p>\n\n\n\n
in a constant cloud<\/p>\n\n\n\n
above my head<\/p>\n\n\n\n
every day<\/p>\n\n\n\n
after putting it off<\/p>\n\n\n\n
dragging my feet <\/p>\n\n\n\n
on my way home<\/p>\n\n\n\n
attempting to find a route<\/p>\n\n\n\n
that takes the longest<\/p>\n\n\n\n
i step through the door<\/p>\n\n\n\n
and am acquainted<\/p>\n\n\n\n
with my oldest friend<\/p>\n\n\n\n
nice to meet you<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n despair tells me every day<\/p>\n\n\n\n oh my friend<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n i reply<\/p>\n\n\n\n you have known me<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n since my first breath<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n after that<\/p>\n\n\n\n she stays silent<\/p>\n\n\n\n but stays with me <\/p>\n\n\n\n weighing me down<\/p>\n\n\n\n tightening my lungs<\/p>\n\n\n\n making my fingers tremble<\/p>\n\n\n\n school isn\u2019t any better<\/p>\n\n\n\n but today <\/p>\n\n\n\n something different<\/p>\n\n\n\n a new girl <\/p>\n\n\n\n her chestnut hair <\/p>\n\n\n\n framing her light skin<\/p>\n\n\n\n her hazel eyes turning cold <\/p>\n\n\n\n thin eyebrows narrowing<\/p>\n\n\n\n when she sees them<\/p>\n\n\n\n trying to provoke me<\/p>\n\n\n\n she does something<\/p>\n\n\n\n that no one\u2019s ever tried<\/p>\n\n\n\n she tries to defend me<\/p>\n\n\n\n i said she shouldn\u2019t bother<\/p>\n\n\n\n telling her with my somber eyes<\/p>\n\n\n\n that there\u2019s no point <\/p>\n\n\n\n that it won\u2019t change anything<\/p>\n\n\n\n but that unfamiliar feeling<\/p>\n\n\n\n warmed my chest<\/p>\n\n\n\n giving me the hope<\/p>\n\n\n\n i\u2019d been searching for <\/p>\n\n\n\n my entire life<\/p>\n\n\n\n but of course <\/p>\n\n\n\n just like anyone else<\/p>\n\n\n\n she leaves me empty <\/p>\n\n\n\n whispering under her breath<\/p>\n\n\n\n that i\u2019m ungrateful <\/p>\n\n\n\n for not accepting her help<\/p>\n\n\n\n i don\u2019t need your help <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n i wanted to shout <\/p>\n\n\n\n but everyone knows<\/p>\n\n\n\n that i do<\/p>\n\n\n\n and my one chance <\/p>\n\n\n\n is gone<\/p>\n\n\n\n the second i enter my house <\/p>\n\n\n\n i hold my breath <\/p>\n\n\n\n as the sound of footsteps <\/p>\n\n\n\n approaches me<\/p>\n\n\n\n his heavy boots<\/p>\n\n\n\n crashing against <\/p>\n\n\n\n the wooden floor<\/p>\n\n\n\n but he\u2019s quiet<\/p>\n\n\n\n he\u2019s scarier <\/p>\n\n\n\n when he\u2019s quiet<\/p>\n\n\n\n unspoken threats<\/p>\n\n\n\n hang in the air<\/p>\n\n\n\n he stumbles<\/p>\n\n\n\n catches himself<\/p>\n\n\n\n clutches the bottle so tight<\/p>\n\n\n\n i\u2019m afraid it will break<\/p>\n\n\n\n he raises his free hand<\/p>\n\n\n\n but it drops <\/p>\n\n\n\n too limp to touch me<\/p>\n\n\n\n his glossed over eyes<\/p>\n\n\n\n and blurry vision <\/p>\n\n\n\n make it so he\u2019s unable <\/p>\n\n\n\n to see clear enough <\/p>\n\n\n\n to harm me<\/p>\n\n\n\n he slurs something illegible<\/p>\n\n\n\n staggering past me<\/p>\n\n\n\n mumbling under his breath <\/p>\n\n\n\n his hand reaches out <\/p>\n\n\n\n to steady himself<\/p>\n\n\n\n striking my chest<\/p>\n\n\n\n he\u2019s intoxicated enough<\/p>\n\n\n\n that his hit is weak <\/p>\n\n\n\n it doesn\u2019t burn <\/p>\n\n\n\n like it usually does<\/p>\n\n\n\n usually <\/p>\n\n\n\n i bite my tongue <\/p>\n\n\n\n clench my fists <\/p>\n\n\n\n trying my hardest<\/p>\n\n\n\n not to react<\/p>\n\n\n\n to draw attention<\/p>\n\n\n\n causing my own pain<\/p>\n\n\n\n that i can control<\/p>\n\n\n\n use to cover up the pain<\/p>\n\n\n\n someone else caused<\/p>\n\n\n\n but sometimes <\/p>\n\n\n\n i can\u2019t help it <\/p>\n\n\n\n when he leaves me<\/p>\n\n\n\n whimpering on the floor<\/p>\n\n\n\n gasping for air<\/p>\n\n\n\n clutching the bruise<\/p>\n\n\n\n or pressing a shirt <\/p>\n\n\n\n to the leaking red <\/p>\n\n\n\n staining my clothes<\/p>\n\n\n\n when he passes me<\/p>\n\n\n\n slumping onto his mattress<\/p>\n\n\n\n i let out a breath<\/p>\n\n\n\n my pulse slowing<\/p>\n\n\n\n inhale <\/p>\n\n\n\n exhale<\/p>\n\n\n\n inhale<\/p>\n\n\n\n exhale<\/p>\n\n\n\n because i am alone<\/p>\n\n\n\n i\u2019m as safe as i can be<\/p>\n\n\n\n in this house.<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Trigger Warning: physical abuse\/violence, alcoholism. caleb home is a strange concept other people go home and it’s a blessing a break from school…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":36,"featured_media":799,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-791","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blueandread.asbarcelona.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/791","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blueandread.asbarcelona.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blueandread.asbarcelona.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blueandread.asbarcelona.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/36"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blueandread.asbarcelona.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=791"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/blueandread.asbarcelona.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/791\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":854,"href":"https:\/\/blueandread.asbarcelona.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/791\/revisions\/854"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blueandread.asbarcelona.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/799"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blueandread.asbarcelona.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=791"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blueandread.asbarcelona.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=791"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blueandread.asbarcelona.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=791"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}