My eyes seem to be forcing themselves open that night. They are wide with fear and red with insomnia and stained with leftover tears that I haven\u2019t bothered to wipe off. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The minutes tick by. I contemplate and consider and reflect through sleepless hours and lucid dreams but I can\u2019t seem to find the answer, the treasure that I\u2019m desperately digging for.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I should have asked the police officer more questions. What was his name again? I should know by now; he\u2019s been there every time I\u2019ve gotten caught. Maybe Jim? I\u2019ll call him Jim. I should have asked Jim more, but I was just so shocked that I ran home the second he excused me, in hope that I would think of a solution, in anguish that this was happening to me, in delusion that maybe I won\u2019t be found guilty. But they always find a way to find people guilty.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The reality is hitting me now, my delusions left behind; I cannot go to jail to spite men, especially with a sentence so long that I\u2019ll be having a mid-life crisis by the time I\u2019m released. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I tried to ask Jim what evidence they had, but he said that he wouldn\u2019t tell me until I had a lawyer. He\u2019ll help you,<\/em> Jim had said. It was always he<\/em>. Why couldn\u2019t he consider that she <\/em>could help me just as well, if not better? And why couldn\u2019t they tell me what evidence they had for my own crime? It didn\u2019t make sense. That should be illegal,<\/em> I had thought at the time. They have to tell me. I think again, and maybe it is. Ironic, isn\u2019t it – were they waiting for me to confess what they believed I did before they told me how I did it? <\/p>\n\n\n\n For some reason, even now, I\u2019m apparently incompetent enough that I need a man to explain my problems to me. Like I don\u2019t know what they are, even when I was the one getting mixed up in them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I know I won\u2019t get any sleep tonight, so instead of tossing and turning and wasting my precious time, I get up, walk to my desk, flinch at the bright light, and make a pro and con list. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Cons are easier, so I start with them. Unconventional, I know. My hands are trembling as I force myself to scrawl the words onto the paper. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Pros and Cons of pleading guilty: <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Cons: <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Pros: <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Even though there\u2019s more pros, the one con outweighs it. If I plead innocent, and I win the case, then I won\u2019t go to jail. If I plead innocent, and I lose the case, then I\u2019ll have to do what I would do anyway if I pleaded guilty, and I might not even get charged for first-degree murder. Plus, if I do end up in the same jail that I\u2019ve been put in seven times, I know the tips and tricks. I\u2019ve negotiated my way to safety, bribed my way into extra servings, discovered escape routes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Pleading innocent at least gives me a chance to not be locked up. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The answer should be obvious. <\/p>\n\n\n\n But it\u2019s not. There\u2019s another pro, one that I haven\u2019t let myself record, because I know it will make the decision so much more difficult. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I write it out in big bold letters. <\/p>\n\n\n\n IF I GO TO JAIL, I\u2019LL BE FREE FROM HIM. <\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" My eyes seem to be forcing themselves open that night. They are wide with fear and red with insomnia and stained with leftover…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":36,"featured_media":1414,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1413","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-creative-arts","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blueandread.asbarcelona.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1413","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blueandread.asbarcelona.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blueandread.asbarcelona.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blueandread.asbarcelona.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/36"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blueandread.asbarcelona.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1413"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/blueandread.asbarcelona.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1413\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1415,"href":"https:\/\/blueandread.asbarcelona.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1413\/revisions\/1415"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blueandread.asbarcelona.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1414"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blueandread.asbarcelona.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1413"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blueandread.asbarcelona.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1413"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blueandread.asbarcelona.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1413"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}\n
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